tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33140642.post4236924836630614769..comments2023-06-29T00:58:12.052-07:00Comments on Hello Reader!: I am Le TiredThe Magna Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02032919264437461525noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33140642.post-92221194613110403172010-04-16T22:52:18.481-07:002010-04-16T22:52:18.481-07:00The comma splice in the next sentence is clunky, t...The comma splice in the next sentence is clunky, though I like the descriptive power of it. Maybe something like, “Each was arranged on tiers as in an ancient amphitheatre, which eventually lead to a small dais…” The structure of the next sentence can be confusing, because theoretically someone could think that the chair is in the middle of the desk, blah blah blah semantics. Solution: “Each desk had a microphone and a very large, black chair. These chairs were flanked…” Yes, also changed the second sentence to plural and took out your descriptor. Good description though, sir, I do quite like it. I can clearly see what you are talking about. <br /><br /> Second to last paragraph: I like the idea of your description in the first sentence but don’t think it is completely on track. Hum, maybe “Chandeliers that lined the ceiling lit themselves as Amar walked down the aisle” and then a separate sentence about the shadows? I don’t know. The shadows thing does need to be there for flow from the first to second sentence… Other than that, a lesson from my own work: “men and women filed in through various doors on the floor of the chamber”; cut ‘began to’ because they’re superfluous words and ‘lining’ because you used it already in the previous sentence. End the sentence after chamber, so the thing about Senators is its own sentence. Also in the Senators sentence: THEIR tiered seats, not there. :) I also think ‘ways’ could just be ‘way’.<br /><br /> So, from the last paragraph: I think the comma after ‘full’ in the second sentence might be optional and I would change ‘that had entered’ to ‘of’. I think a comma could be placed after ‘friends’ in the monologue but the one after ‘today’ could be taken out. And I wonder if ‘it is my deep regret’ is in its best form. In might be a result of our culture but I seem to think that ‘it is with my deepest regrets’ would be more appropriate. But this is a great speech. You know I think your dialogue is awesome and I think you nail this kind of political talk.<br /><br /> Basically, all I’m finding are grammar/structural errors. Your characterization is solid, your description is fluid, and the basic story is just good. Your work is really a pleasure to read.<br /><br /> Also, thought you might like this article on J.K. Rowling. :) She is so cool. http://motherjones.com/kevin-drum/2010/04/jk-rowlings-patriotismItalyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18133100735805243521noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33140642.post-21294257954902879722010-04-16T22:51:49.653-07:002010-04-16T22:51:49.653-07:00It's funny to be back here... but here's t...It's funny to be back here... but here's the actual edit for this excerpt.<br /><br /> First paragraph: ‘In a far corner of the room’ bothers me… are there other clocks? You could say, “The clock in the room rang six times” and cut out the extra words. To improve flow a little, the next few sentences might need to be tweaked… not the best example but one nonetheless: “He arrived at the garage and hurriedly entered a large black truck. No sooner was he inside than the caravan…” <br /><br /> Second paragraph: ‘The Hoving-Cars’, maybe? Also maybe cut the comma between little and hovering in the next sentence. The rest is good. <br /><br /> Third paragraph: Maybe the first sentence could flow better as, “Tension was rippling across the country.” Other than that, solid paragraph.<br /><br /> Fourth paragraph: excellent. <br /><br />Fifth Paragraph: Whoa, okay, need to find a new place for ‘comprised of…marble’. The first part is perfect…let me think… “The Senate building was now in sight, an enormous blot of white marble against the sky.” Or something. Can probably cut Senate from the next sentence since we know where he is. Also, why do his eyes light up? With happiness? Fear? The shock of remembering you left the stove on and you’re already four hours into your trip? Because ‘lit up’ usually means happy but the stuff he talks with Ori about isn’t exactly cheerful… the rest of the paragraph is perfect though. Nice and smooth.<br /><br /> Dialogue: Not your strongest, but not bad; I especially like the last three line. Actually, I just realized it’s only the third line I have a problem with, and I think it’s because of the two ‘there’s for some reason. Other than that, a few grammar issues: third line should be ‘haven’t’ and you’re missing a period after anxious. I like the thought about Kilik, though. ☺ I love humor mixed into otherwise dramatic scenes.<br /><br /> Third to last paragraph: Cut “the elevator” from the second sentence because we know he is in there. I’m having a problem with the third sentence, as usual don’t really know why. Maybe something like, “Amar pushed them away and opened two gold-plated doors. Inside was a large chamber…” And this is probably just going to be me but when you say blue chairs I think of the dinky plastic ones from high school. You could describe them in more detail, but I’m sure everyone else in the world will imagine the proper plush chairs. :)Italyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18133100735805243521noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33140642.post-5856647598522280282010-02-02T23:23:22.797-08:002010-02-02T23:23:22.797-08:00Wow, thank you so much Italy! No, PLEASE go back ...Wow, thank you so much Italy! No, PLEASE go back and critique my other parts, I appreciate any and all feedback. If you have anything to say about this story, please do so! I'm very happy you decided to comment!<br /><br />-themagnabeastThe Magna Beasthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02032919264437461525noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33140642.post-74693812725000661442010-02-02T11:04:56.097-08:002010-02-02T11:04:56.097-08:00New reader here, funny story about how I came acro...New reader here, funny story about how I came across this blog, but I'm glad I did. I was going through the older stuff you've written so I could get a better idea of the story (thanks for summarizing the whole thing in the first post, it was very helpful) and I was just wondering if you wanted new readers to go back and comment on your older posts or if you're kind of 'past that' and just want critique on current items such as this?Italyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18133100735805243521noreply@blogger.com