tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33140642.post8805946590185965263..comments2023-06-29T00:58:12.052-07:00Comments on Hello Reader!: Some DowntimeThe Magna Beasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02032919264437461525noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33140642.post-24902990715937255302010-02-15T00:39:17.629-08:002010-02-15T00:39:17.629-08:00Your editing style is amazing, it's exactly wh...Your editing style is amazing, it's exactly what I've been hoping for! I am also obsessed with how sentences and words flow, and you've made some inadequacies very clear! <br /><br />While I don't agree with everything you've critiqued (I'm letting a bit of my artistic ego get in the way ;)), I do feel that 95% of it is absolutely correct. <br /><br />Honestly, I'm blown away by how professional and sincere your run-through was. Truly, I'm blessed by your comments, thank you.<br /><br />-themagnabeastThe Magna Beasthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02032919264437461525noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33140642.post-30460193212167975472010-02-14T18:49:27.121-08:002010-02-14T18:49:27.121-08:00Paragraph 11: Again, excellent use of action and d...Paragraph 11: Again, excellent use of action and dialogue. Love it! Ah! :D Though I gotta say, take the reins. “With this, Briok finally lost his will and slumped to the ground. Burying his head beneath his arms, he began to sob. His cries were they one break in the silence,” The rest is excellent. I really do like how you convey emotion.<br /><br />Paragraph 12: Is it moments or epochs? I’d go with epochs. “After epochs of” well, actually, maimed is kind of a weird word for a cry… how about… shuttering? If you’re trying to go for a kind of gasping cry… “After epochs of shuttering cries that rang along the Burial Mound’s sloping turf, Sheba took control. Slowly, she helped her son rise and the pair left the memories behind. They drove away in silence, seeking only the company of their own minds.” The opening of the next sentence is a little weak. Hum… how about just, “When they arrived at the Villa, Briok hurriedly removed his shoes and threw them into his cubby in the garage. He forced the door open, then ran to his room” Oh! Does he slam the door or leave it open? “and sat down at his desk. Burying his head again, he sat there listlessly while Sheba prepared soup in the kitchen.” I took out the “for hours on end” because it doesn’t really take hours to prepare soup…<br /><br />Paragraph 13: I really like everything about this last paragraph. Except I wonder if dusk is plural or singular (as in, should it be ‘their’ fingers or ‘its’ fingers).<br />All in all, very good. :D I really do like your writing style. Business-y matters: let me know what you think of my editing style. It’s a little hard in blogger comments, so forgive me for being a little sub-par, but you are the author and I’m here to help. Let me know if there’s some way I can alter how I edit to better assist you. ☺Italyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18133100735805243521noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33140642.post-57504184472618484272010-02-14T18:38:19.667-08:002010-02-14T18:38:19.667-08:00I do like sentence two, however. It has a nice flo...I do like sentence two, however. It has a nice flow. In the next sentence, perhaps don’t use “the” when talking about the flowers and grass, because you haven’t discussed them before. “Grass grew green atop the buried coffins and flowers bloomed all around.” Oh, and try not to use ‘beautiful’. It doesn’t REALLY say anything, if you think about it. And if you use it you then kind of obligate yourself to qualify its beauty. I’m not sure if “pall” is the right word, or maybe it will be if there were more around it. I think here would be a good place for a more vivid description. “Grass grew green atop the buried coffins and flowers bloomed all around, though they lay beneath the constant shade of the pall above. A constant wind blew across the dewy grass, sometimes throwing together the sullen clouds with a loud clap of thunder, and the quiet never lifted.” I’d also cut the last sentence because you already SHOW in a wonderful way how solemn it is… you don’t need to tell us. :D<br /><br />Paragraph 4: Is Briok’s face reflecting the pall in that the pall is making his face shadow-y or that he’s all sad? Also, you might want to sad that she “THEN looked up into the stone […]” because I thought you were trying to say that Briok’s eyes were like his father’s. “She looked up at her husband’s marble likeness that was erected over his grave. He was holding a sword in one hand, an olive branch in the other, but it was when she looked into his stone eyes that were looking into the distance as they always did that she had to stifle a gasp of pain.” The next line is good.<br /><br />Paragraph 5: This is also a VERY good description of your character’s emotional trauma. And I LOVE the quote. The only thing I would do is add a “do” before “some faint conceptions” because then it connected the latter portion of the sentence to the former. Oh and the “upon their silent figures sleeping IN their tombs” as opposed to ON? <br /><br />Paragraph 6: LOVE your dialogue. It’s SO genuine! I love it. ☺ Oh, I would change the “she crouched” line to “She crouched down next to Briok”. Don’t have a reason for that, just think it sounds better.<br /><br />Paragraph 7: Again, I love the dialogue. Very solid. Quivered is kind of strange word, though. Maybe shivered would be better? Or his lip quivered or something. <br /><br />Paragraph 8: I love this whole paragraph. Great mother-son relationship. <br /><br />Paragraph 9: Seemed to or did? You’re the writer; take the reins. “Briok sunk into an even deeper depression with this litany.” Again, the speech is realistic. Good response. <br /><br />Paragraph 10: I don’t like the first sentence. Maybe, “Sheba’s eyes cried out with a mother’s furious love furious love for her child, “Briok,” she gasped” and so on. The dialogue, again, is awesome. You are so good at making this mom sound like a mom. I also like the motion she does with Briok’s head, though I would say “raised it in her direction” rather than “pushed” because again, pushed is a bit more violent than I think this relationship is. I love this monologue though. It’s beautiful…Italyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18133100735805243521noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33140642.post-66310025016394000022010-02-14T18:21:42.042-08:002010-02-14T18:21:42.042-08:00Comments on the blog itself: I think it’s cool tha...Comments on the blog itself: I think it’s cool that you’re Muslim (which I gather from the five daily reference; forgive me if I presume too much) but that you incorporate things from other religions. Also, once a day blog posts is quite the bother after a while. First few weeks are easy. After that though, not so much. <br /><br />Questions on the story: How long is the lifespan of the Magna Beast? Wouldn’t it be shorter since there’s always a price on their head? Is Atlantis a created or natural island? It seems implied that it’s created…<br /><br />On to the good stuff…<br /><br />Paragraph 1: Surely you described this revelation in an earlier chapter and your readers remember such a cataclysmic scene, so do we need to be reminded in this way of the second sentence? Also, you mention last names? I hope you’ve explained who the main characters are previous to this! I might cut that second sentence out, especially if readers know what happened the night before. “It was early morning Monday, the first day of school for Atlantian children. Briok’s eyes were still red, still swollen with sorrow.” And so on as normal. I really DO like how you described his appearance to us; it’s very vivid and conveys his heartbroken status. However, does one’s hair dull overnight? Also, you could probably take out the ‘time was showing’ line as well, since it is telling rather than showing. <br /><br />Paragraph 2: I love how you personify Sheba. Very good mother figure, good actions you’re giving her. The problem I have here is the ‘nearly noon’ part here and the ‘early morning’ part of the last paragraph. Is it morning or noon? Does the Briok PUSH her off or BRUSH her off; push is more aggressive and I wonder if he would respond in that way towards his mother? I’m also wondering how Sheba feels about this reaction. Is she embarrassed that he’s still there? Sad for him? You could personify that in the subsequent lines, especially in clarifying HOW she straightened her coat and why she scans the surrounding area. Like, does she straighten it because she wants to give herself something to do, something to distract herself because of how sad she is? Or is she looking around to see if others are watching? I know it’s a small detail, but it’s nice to clarify exactly how your characters respond to each other. Actually, in general, there could be some more meat to this paragraph…<br /><br />Paragraph 3: You’re probably going to notice me pointing out detail. I’ll explain why: you’re creating a fantasy world and it’s imperative that you bring it to life. For example, what KIND of beautiful coastline is it? Is it long stretches of sandy beaches hugged by rainforests, or are they huge rocky cliffs? It’s a small thing, but the more detail you provide (without going overboard a la Tolkien) the more vividly the reader can imagine what you’re describing. Also, do you need to say it is in Atlantia? Don’t we already know where we are (and it kind of becomes redundant since you state the place twice). Or is yours the kind of story that shifts between character perspectives or something? For example, “The Burial Mound was at the top of a hill that sat on the edge of Atlantis’ sandy coastline.”Italyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18133100735805243521noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33140642.post-65826308662665737562009-09-11T18:00:50.982-07:002009-09-11T18:00:50.982-07:00hahahahaha, sorry not everyone is as strong as you...hahahahaha, sorry not everyone is as strong as you will ;) But is the writing weak as well?The Magna Beasthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02032919264437461525noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33140642.post-19494991662764044112009-09-10T22:24:16.127-07:002009-09-10T22:24:16.127-07:00“I can’t, Mom,” he pushed her away, “I can’t…I can...“I can’t, Mom,” he pushed her away, “I can’t…I can’t fight a war, I can’t kill…” With this, Briok seemed to have finally lost his will. Slumping to the ground, his head buried beneath his arms, he began to sob.<br /><br /><br /><br />weeeeaaaaaaak.will forsythnoreply@blogger.com