Query Letter Week 2

Hello Reader!  I'm going to continue from last week in posting possible query letters for all of you to critique!  After getting a few comments back (thanks so much!) I've adjusted my query letter accordingly, and even came up with a completely different one.  Try all three on for size, and tell me what you think!  If you would like to go back and see the other query letters, please click here.  You can also view last week's post here.  Enjoy!  Please comment, critique and suggest!

Query 1:

On the island country of Atlantis, Prince Briok Adam Cwornas Cwartel is born into an era of uneasy peace.  With an absent father and a mother possessed of an iron-will, Briok grows to become petulant, brave, and ambitious. Then on the day of his father’s funeral the immortal Amar tells him that he is the final Magna Beast, heir to the throne of Mags and Prophet to an alien people. With new rumblings in the perpetual war between Mags and Howlas, Amar must quickly train his young charge to murder the enemy before the reaper shows its face.

Standing in the way is a growing mafia civil war, led by the arrogant Tory Cross against his former mentor Howard Crim.  Blaming Howard for the deaths of his brother and nephew, Tory uses newfound technology to conquer his enemies.  His mad rage threatens to bring down the well-ordered society of Atlantis Amar helped create. In order to keep Briok safe Amar enacts a dangerous battleplan that blurs the line between what is right and what is wrong.

Query 2:

On the day of his father's funeral, Briok Cwartel learns that he is the final heir to the throne of the Mags--one of two races that invaded the planet Earth over a millennium ago.  Along with the title of Magna Beast, he is tasked with the murder of the King of Howlas, the Howlamega.  Only a young man at the birth of his journey, Briok's life is threatened by a growing mafia civil war.  Led by the arrogant Tory Cross against his former mentor Howard Crim, the war not only could kill Briok, but also bring down the well-ordered society of Atlantis.

Possessed with a desperate need to die, the immortal Amar is mentor to the half-human, half-Mag Briok's as he becomes the Magna Beast following his father's death.  With Tory's rage over the death of his both his brother and his nephew threatening to destroy everything, Amar enacts a battle plan that blurs the line between good and evil.

Query 3: 

It is the year 3096, and the scene is Atlantis’ clear azure shore.  Fourteen-year-old Briok Cwartel is running from the wanton brutality of the Howla mafia, screaming for help.  Refuge arrives in the form of Eli the Mad, a Mag warrior gifted in the art of murder.  His skill and brutality save Briok from the yawning maw of death.  Taken to safety, Prince Briok Adam Cwornas Cwartel is told by his dead father’s advisor, the immortal Amar, that he is the Magna Beast, King of the alien Mags and Prophet to their people.

Quickly educated on the holy wars of the Mags and Howlas, Briok is told that he must confront and kill the Howlamega, savage leader of the Howlas and murderer of Briok’s father.  His quest does not take him far however, forcing him to deal with the dual pressures of history essays and Lara Heken’s grey eyes while training for premeditated violence.  Along the way Briok’s life, and that of Atlantis’ well-ordered society, is threatened by a growing and violent mafia civil war.  With the mafia on one side and Briok’s petulant nature on the other, Amar decides to enact a battleplan that blurs the line between good and evil – and just may let him die.

There they are!  Again, please tell me if they grab your interest.  Or do they just sound too ridiculous?  Also, let me leave you with this link.  It's an article from the Daily Beast which outlines the 15 most underrated authors of today.  I'll post about it next week, but please tell me what you think!  Until next time then!