Thursday, January 28, 2010

I am Le Tired

Hello Reader!  I'm exhausted from my midterm schedule/the worst two weeks of my life.  So I'm leaving you with a short blurb and an excerpt from the novel, The Proxy Wars: Dramatis Personae.  I hope you enjoy it, and please comment, suggest, critique it.

This is where Amar heads from Methoral Palace, the seat of Atlantis' monarchy in the year 3096, to the senate building.  Both are in the city of Atlantia.  His journey there and a couple of other things that happen are from Chapter 2: Three Days Later.

The clock in a far corner of the room rang six times, waking Amar from his meditation.  He stepped out of Sheba’s office and navigated his way through the maze-like corridors of Methoral Palace.  Arriving at the garage he hurriedly entered a large black truck.  The caravan sped out of the Palace, and on towards the Senate building. 
            Hoving-Cars made the trip quickly, floating inches above the ground, zooming past barricades and traffic.  Bodyguards rode outside on little, hovering scooters.  They were jittery, reacting to the smallest outburst from anyone.  One man was taken in a back corner and came back with a busted lip.  He had moved too close to Amar’s convoy. 
            Tension was in the air and Amar could see it rippling across the country.  Many citizens had heard rumors of the King missing.  The shooting at Café Atlantis did not help matters.  In fact, much of the protesting and uproar was coming from angry mothers and prohibition activists who had decided to camp outside of the club. 
            It was a media field day, with journalists fueling any and all hype that the shooting was connected to the King’s disappearance.  It didn’t make any sense to Amar, how the country was losing its grip so readily.  Maybe it’s because there is no apparent heir, he thought.  After all, when Briok’s grandmother died, his father took up the mantle right away.  Now all they have is a distraught mother and a little boy.  God help us.
              The Senate building was now in sight, an enormous blot against the sky comprised of the finest alabaster and white marble.  As the car came to rest in the Senate building’s parking garage, Amar’s eyes lit up.  I haven’t called Ori.  “I’ll be just a moment,” Amar said to one of his aides as he stepped out of the truck.  He took out his phone, turned on the holographic receiver and called his contact on Paragon 3.  Stepping into the shadow of one of the pillars supporting the parking structure, Amar waited for a reply. 
            Finally, someone picked up, “Hullo?”
            “Ori, have you arrived at the moon yet?  Have you found the body?”
            “No, I have’t gotten there yet, I just left last night.  It’ll take two more days to get there.”
            Amar bit his lip, “I’m sorry, I’m just anxious”
            “Don’t be, Amar.  I’ve done this three times now.  I’ve got the headstone and the coffin to put him in right here.  You’ve got nothing to worry about.”
            “Thank you, Ori.  I appreciate it.”
            “You better.  I hate clean up.”  Amar heard the click and hung up the phone.  I hope Kilik doesn’t take the sword againI hate it when he does that.
            He headed towards an elevator that would take him to the main Senate chamber.  A throng of reporters met him as he exited the elevator, anxiously trying to grab a sound bite from him.  Amar pushed them away and headed towards two gold-plated doors.  Opening them, he entered a large chamber filled with blue chairs and white marble desks.  Each was arranged on tiers, resembling an ancient amphitheater, eventually leading to a small dais, where two long desks sat opposite each other.  In the middle of each desk was a microphone, and a very large, black chair.  The black chairs were flanked by smaller red chairs, and towards the end of the dais, between the two tables, was a marble podium. 
            As Amar walked down the aisle, chandeliers lined along the ceiling lit themselves, shadows covering the marble walls of the room.  Men and women began to file in through various doors lining the floor of the chamber, Senators sat in there tiered seats, while the Executive and Judicial bodies of the government made their ways to the two tables at the bottom of the chamber.
            Amar reached the podium and waited for everyone to take their seats.  The entire chamber was full, and the uncertain mumbling that had entered the room quieted.  He forced a smile and began, “My friends welcome.  I know that our country has been in turmoil for the past few days now.  I know your hearts must be heavy with worry and fear.  The news I bring today, will not abate these fears or my own.  But with knowledge comes power, and with this power we can gain the strength to move forward.  It is my deep regret to inform this body that,” Amar’s voice was lost for a moment, but he swallowed his pain and spoke plainly, “Our King is dead.”


  1. New reader here, funny story about how I came across this blog, but I'm glad I did. I was going through the older stuff you've written so I could get a better idea of the story (thanks for summarizing the whole thing in the first post, it was very helpful) and I was just wondering if you wanted new readers to go back and comment on your older posts or if you're kind of 'past that' and just want critique on current items such as this?

  2. Wow, thank you so much Italy! No, PLEASE go back and critique my other parts, I appreciate any and all feedback. If you have anything to say about this story, please do so! I'm very happy you decided to comment!


  3. It's funny to be back here... but here's the actual edit for this excerpt.

    First paragraph: ‘In a far corner of the room’ bothers me… are there other clocks? You could say, “The clock in the room rang six times” and cut out the extra words. To improve flow a little, the next few sentences might need to be tweaked… not the best example but one nonetheless: “He arrived at the garage and hurriedly entered a large black truck. No sooner was he inside than the caravan…”

    Second paragraph: ‘The Hoving-Cars’, maybe? Also maybe cut the comma between little and hovering in the next sentence. The rest is good.

    Third paragraph: Maybe the first sentence could flow better as, “Tension was rippling across the country.” Other than that, solid paragraph.

    Fourth paragraph: excellent.

    Fifth Paragraph: Whoa, okay, need to find a new place for ‘comprised of…marble’. The first part is perfect…let me think… “The Senate building was now in sight, an enormous blot of white marble against the sky.” Or something. Can probably cut Senate from the next sentence since we know where he is. Also, why do his eyes light up? With happiness? Fear? The shock of remembering you left the stove on and you’re already four hours into your trip? Because ‘lit up’ usually means happy but the stuff he talks with Ori about isn’t exactly cheerful… the rest of the paragraph is perfect though. Nice and smooth.

    Dialogue: Not your strongest, but not bad; I especially like the last three line. Actually, I just realized it’s only the third line I have a problem with, and I think it’s because of the two ‘there’s for some reason. Other than that, a few grammar issues: third line should be ‘haven’t’ and you’re missing a period after anxious. I like the thought about Kilik, though. ☺ I love humor mixed into otherwise dramatic scenes.

    Third to last paragraph: Cut “the elevator” from the second sentence because we know he is in there. I’m having a problem with the third sentence, as usual don’t really know why. Maybe something like, “Amar pushed them away and opened two gold-plated doors. Inside was a large chamber…” And this is probably just going to be me but when you say blue chairs I think of the dinky plastic ones from high school. You could describe them in more detail, but I’m sure everyone else in the world will imagine the proper plush chairs. :)

  4. The comma splice in the next sentence is clunky, though I like the descriptive power of it. Maybe something like, “Each was arranged on tiers as in an ancient amphitheatre, which eventually lead to a small dais…” The structure of the next sentence can be confusing, because theoretically someone could think that the chair is in the middle of the desk, blah blah blah semantics. Solution: “Each desk had a microphone and a very large, black chair. These chairs were flanked…” Yes, also changed the second sentence to plural and took out your descriptor. Good description though, sir, I do quite like it. I can clearly see what you are talking about.

    Second to last paragraph: I like the idea of your description in the first sentence but don’t think it is completely on track. Hum, maybe “Chandeliers that lined the ceiling lit themselves as Amar walked down the aisle” and then a separate sentence about the shadows? I don’t know. The shadows thing does need to be there for flow from the first to second sentence… Other than that, a lesson from my own work: “men and women filed in through various doors on the floor of the chamber”; cut ‘began to’ because they’re superfluous words and ‘lining’ because you used it already in the previous sentence. End the sentence after chamber, so the thing about Senators is its own sentence. Also in the Senators sentence: THEIR tiered seats, not there. :) I also think ‘ways’ could just be ‘way’.

    So, from the last paragraph: I think the comma after ‘full’ in the second sentence might be optional and I would change ‘that had entered’ to ‘of’. I think a comma could be placed after ‘friends’ in the monologue but the one after ‘today’ could be taken out. And I wonder if ‘it is my deep regret’ is in its best form. In might be a result of our culture but I seem to think that ‘it is with my deepest regrets’ would be more appropriate. But this is a great speech. You know I think your dialogue is awesome and I think you nail this kind of political talk.

    Basically, all I’m finding are grammar/structural errors. Your characterization is solid, your description is fluid, and the basic story is just good. Your work is really a pleasure to read.

    Also, thought you might like this article on J.K. Rowling. :) She is so cool.