My last two versions of the query letter (which can be found here and here) were, I feel, just ok. I've been brushing up on query writing techniques, as well as reading a ton of other authors' query letters, and I think I've come up with something a little better. Hopefully, those of you out there reading this will like it. It's after the break.
The immortal Amar has had enough. “I can’t keep falling through eternity. I need to die.” His desperation for the end drives the story of my first manuscript The Proxy Wars: Dramatis Personae. Using his considerable talents and his entrenched role as wise mentor, Amar sets out to train the last Magna Beast, Briok Cwartel, in the task of killing their enemy Kilik the Howlamega. Behind them lie thousands of years worth of war and pain, collapsed into one nine month period in the years 3096 to 3097.
As Briok learns about his past, and as Amar struggles to keep the boy safe, a specter of death rises across the nation of Atlantis. Tory Cross, head of the largest mafia family in the island country, embarks on a mad quest for dominance after he learns his mentor has betrayed him. His bloodlust will threaten both Briok’s life and Amar’s well-laid plans.
Of course, there is more to the letter. The paragraphs I've posted above are from the portion of the letter that explains the novel's concept. As always, comments, critiques, and suggestions are always welcome. Until next time then.