I've posted my query letter three times before now, each time with slight modifications. I hope this one I post will be better! Please comment, critique, and suggest in the comments section below (or in an email if you feel the need). I appreciate any and all feedback, but especially negative feedback. That's the only way you can grow right? Maybe, or I'm just masochistic. We'll see.
Anyways, here it is.
In the year 2015, the Mags and the Howlas brought their unending holy war to the planet Earth in a blaze of fire. A millennium later and Briok Cwartel is born into an era of uneasy peace as final heir to the throne of Mags - the last Magna Beast. The immortal Amar, possessed with a desperate need to die, guides Briok’s journey as half-human, half-Mag after his father’s death. With new rumblings in the perpetual war between Mags and Howlas, Amar must train Briok to kill the enemy before the reaper shows its face.
Standing in the way is an enormous mafia civil war, led by the arrogant Tory Cross against his former mentor Howard Crim. After the death of his brother and nephew Tory uses his position as “largest Howlian boss east of Atlantia” to bring fire upon Howard’s doorstep. His mad rage threatens to kill Briok at the birth of his journey, and bring down the well-ordered society of Atlantis. With a host of enemies bearing down upon him, Amar enacts a battleplan that could prove to be his ruin, and his salvation.
My debut novel The Proxy Wars: Dramatis Personaeis a blend of science-fiction fantasy and at 102,000 words mixes world building with raw emotion to paint the portrait of a realistic future.
Again, please comment, critique, and suggest! Does this delineation of the plot grab your interest? Does it excite you for what's to come? Or does it bog you down with too much information? Do the events throw you off and strike you as silly? I look forward to your comments! Until next time then.
In the year 2015, the Mags and the Howlas brought their unending holy war to the planet Earth in a blaze of fire. A millennium later and i'm kinda feeling like taking out the 'and' would induce some parallelism with the first sentence (structure wise), which might be nice.. but its stylistic i suppose Briok Cwartel is born into an era of uneasy peace as the final heir to the throne of Mags - the last Magna Beast. The immortal Amar, possessed with a desperate need to die, guides Briok’s journey as half-human, half-Mag after his father’s death confused about this sentence - is Amar the half human, or is Briok? restructuring might clarify this . With new rumblings in the perpetual war between Mags and Howlas, Amar must train Briok to kill stronger verb maybe, to be more emphatic: annihilate? incapacitate? idk haha the enemy before the reaper shows its face.
ReplyDeleteStanding in the way is an enormous mafia civil war, led by the arrogant Tory Cross, against his former mentor Howard Crim. After the death of his brother and nephew, Tory uses his position as “largest Howlian boss east of Atlantia” to bring fire upon Howard’s doorstep. His mad rage threatens to kill Briok at the birth of his journey,no comma and bring down the well-ordered society of Atlantis. kinda confused how Tory and Briok are related. maybe allude to their relationship, for clarifications sake? With a host of enemies bearing down upon him kinda confused here too, since at the beginning it seems as if Briok is the hero. Is the focus of the story Amar or Briok? , Amar enacts a battle plan that could prove to be his ruin, and his salvation.
My debut novel The Proxy Wars: Dramatis Personaeis a blend of science-fiction fantasy and instead of 'and', 'which'? at 102,000 words mixes world building with raw emotion to paint the portrait of a realistic future.
HI REZA! erm. sorry i made lots of remarks o.o i tend to be really verbose and insert lots of comments when I correct stuff... so please bear with me =X Take everything I said with a grain of salt, since many of the things I commented on are stylistic, and that, of course, is individual to the artist.
The plot is definitely intriguing, I feel like there's not enough detail in the summary for me to get a clear grasp of what's going on. Of course, that might be what you're going for, but I feel like there are so many character introductions, with so few details of how they are related to each other, that I start getting confused by the end of the 2nd paragraph. To make an analogy, it's like holding a bunch of cables (ie while wiring a circuit? ) and having no idea where to start. Also, if there is a enormous mafia war, how is there an uneasy peace? iono maybe i'm being too nitpicky haha.
Also, from your introduction, the Mags and Howlas are alien species, right? In this context, it doesn't quite make sense to say 'realistic future' at the end of your letter. I'm also not quite sure what "world building" refers to. Also, 'paint the portrait' is a bit of a cliche; I'd suggest finding a different phrase.
D: sorry if that was harsh or anything! I can't wait to read your book! it sounds super interesting :] Good luck [are you looking for an editor or an agent?] , and let me know how it goes!!
oops. that was the longest comment ever o.o;; sorry! hope some of it was helpful, at least >< haha
ReplyDeleteI like this Angie girl. :) Good comments.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest though, I'm still not feeling this query letter. I second basically all that Miss Angie said, and add that I think it's just too much in too little space. I know that query letters restrict you to a page, but I think you have the space to expand a little and that would help... I know that the thing that drew me in when I was first reading your blog (and what made me even want to read your first chapter) was how dang excited you sounded about it, and how obvious it was that your plot, your characters, everything had all been extensively planned out.
But because I'm tired of leaving epically long comments on your blog, I think I'll take you up on the offer of e-mailing you my more detailed comments. Sorry. XD
Oh man, you guys are awesome! Thanks so much for your help! I really appreciate it! You both gave really great suggestions that I'm definitely taking to heart and using!
ReplyDeleteI'll repost a few more queries, and please let me know which ones are best/you think intrigue you the most! Again, thank you!